Why Women Are Exhausted and Sick

At Midlife More Than Ever

Women are more prone to chronic pain and illness… at higher rates, greater severity, and more frequent pain than men.

75% of of all autoimmune diseases occur in women

Anxiety and Depression are twice as prevalent in women

Women have higher incidences of…

Fibromyalgia

Chronic fatigue

Thyroid issues 

Migraines  

IBS

Heart disease and stroke

Alzheimers

…and many other conditions than men.

There are many reasons why women experience more chronic health issues than men do, with chronic stress being one of the primary causes. Women experience higher, more persistent levels of stress than men do, and are 30-50% more likely to struggle with chronic stress than men. 

Women Are Taught To Conform and Perform

As women, we are taught from a young age, both explicitly and implicitly, that we need to be a certain way to be accepted, wanted, valued, appreciated, and loved. It is understood that if we want these things, we must conform to the standards set by others. 

The messages and expectations we receive come from our family of origin, institutions, bosses, intimate relationships, and the culture itself, and we receive these messages consistently throughout our lives. It’s no wonder that so many of us struggle with the symptoms and effects of chronic stress. 

We Are Told Not To Be…

Too Loud

Too Opinionated

Too Bossy

Too Much

Too Little

And by all means, don’t be angry, overly sensitive, or too emotional. 

We Are Told To Be…

Nice

Good

Agreeable

Pretty

Young

Desirable

Pleasing to others

Be what everyone else wants you to be…and you'd better be happy about it, and smile too.

We are told who to be, how to be, how to look, and how to speak. From the time we’re toddlers, we’re conditioned to be “good girls”, to be polite, nice, accommodating, to put the needs and preferences of others ahead of our own, and to smile and look pretty while we’re at it, even if our smiling camouflages our clenched teeth and seething rage.

Shame and Inner Turmoil

When we fail to meet the limiting and confining expectations set upon us by the culture, we are shamed and pushed out in many ways. We don’t “fit in,” and we don’t get our needs met. There is a very real type of herd mentality that we are all subjected to, and when we don’t fit the ideal standards and expectations of the herd, we are judged, shamed, and often cast out. This puts us in a double bind…we must conform and fit in to get our needs met, which hurts us, but if we refuse to conform, our needs go unmet, which also hurts us. We cannot win, so we simply give in.

We internalize this shame, blaming ourselves for not being enough, instead of blaming the sick culture that created the rules. We judge ourselves harshly and impose the same kinds of strict and unachievable guidelines upon ourselves as others do. We berate and shame ourselves when we fail to fit the unrealistic standards that have been put on us since birth. This creates a deep divide within us, between who we are and who we believe we need to be. This dissonance is a constant source of tension and stress. 

At Our Own Expense: Putting Everyone Else First

The message we consistently receive is to be what others want us to be, no matter the cost to us. As the caregivers that women are, we naturally feel drawn to helping and accommodating others, and if that means not being ourselves to please others and keep the peace, then so be it. Most of us are more than willing to pay the price of admission to the club of belonging, even if it means giving up our sovereignty and sense of well-being.

We cater to the whims and needs of others even when we have nothing to give, and our own needs usually go unmet in the process. We are the afterthought. We are expected to carry the mantle and be homemakers, mothers, wives, sex objects, hard workers, loving daughters, and good friends. More often than not, after serving the needs of everyone else, we have nothing left to give ourselves. So we go without.

The Cumulative Effects

It’s little surprise that by midlife, so many of us realize that we have no idea of who we are and what we want. We’ve spent our lives performing for others, morphing ourselves into who we imagine everyone else wants us to be. We wake up and find that we have given the better part of our lives over to the approval of others, and at a very high cost. We have sacrificed our sense of authenticity, well-being, confidence, and sense of self for absolutely nothing. 

When we hit the midlife mark, we recognize, to our chagrin, that despite our best efforts, we are now being cast out anyway. Aging women are no longer seen as desirable in this culture, and so, we are “put out to pasture.” To a culture that ascribes no value to lived experience, wisdom, or even good deeds, an aging woman is just “past her prime.” 

At this point, most of us are in the menopausal transition and are feeling many things, including a sense of regret over a life unlived and choices made in youth with little understanding of their repercussions. We are filled with sadness, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, purposelessness, and outright rage. The unjustness of our situation has really started to hit us, and we feel the effects, full force. 

At Midlife We Receive Unsettling News About Our Health…

• We are told that we have thyroid issues from a lifetime of stifling our voices.

• We have chronic fatigue from carrying the burdens of other people’s problems and expectations.

• We have anxiety and depression because we now feel confused about who we are.

• We are being diagnosed with autoimmune conditions from a lifetime of unhealed trauma.

• We have chronic pain from ignoring our own feelings, needs, dreams, and desires for decades. 

• We can’t sleep at night for worry over where our purpose is now, if we even have one at all anymore.
  
  

It’s no wonder we are sick, exhausted, and enraged. 

The Good News

The good news is that midlife offers the most potent opportunity of our lives - to examine our lives and come to terms with how we have been living.

Midlife gives us the gift of ourselves if we are willing to look with open eyes at the effects of our choices and those things that we never chose - the things that were imposed upon us. Now we are forced to feel all of our sadness and rage fully and completely, alchemizing our pain into true power. As we give up any desire to fit in or gain external approval, we embrace who we truly are and step into our authenticity.

We take our power back, and with it, our health, our vitality, and our passion for life. We find a new way to live that is on our own terms, and those who disagree be damned. We no longer care. We are free.